June 19, 2007

I'm Trying, I Promise

As much as I like to think I'm perfect, deep down I know I'm not. (kidding!) Anyhoo, I'm really trying to open up to new things and I'm really trying to understand why people are the way they are and not be so judgemental. I know I'm not perfect and I don't want people to judge me due to my faults, so I feel it's not nice to judge them. I have been, in the past, quite the judge. I'm trying to do better.

Then things happen and blow that all to heck.

For example, I found out yesterday that one of my aunts is married again - for the third time. Of course none of the family is suppose to know that I guess, (since she never bothered to tell us) and that makes me irritated as to why we're not good enough to know. And how was this found out you ask? Oh by another aunt and cousin who were bored yesterday and started searching people online. Gotta love the cyber world!! I just want to email her and say "HEY, Mrs. H********* how long have you been married and why wasn't I invited?" I wonder what she'd say.

Then of course there are daycare issues that really make it hard for a person to stop all the judging. Common sense people, common sense. Where did normal parenting instincts go? I thought at least mothers were still born with them. I'm not so sure anymore.

Then of course there's the whole dating thing and letmetellya, it's hard to be open to new ideas when you get guys who have some very odd ways of wanting to go about having a relationship.

And on that subject, I'll leave you with this... (and yes, you will freak)

I've been at this "dating" thing for... well, since I wasn't ever married, I guess I've been at it for about 20 years (give and take). I've been engaged a couple times, but the rings were about as far as it went. I'm not proud that I got pregnant when I was only engaged to my children's father, but I'm glad I did because if I wouldn't have, I probably would not have any children. I am determined to be married the next time I have a child, but to tell you the truth, my clock is ticking and the decent men are dwindling! So, after about 2 years of thinking this through, I have decided that if by the end of the summer, I have not met a decent man, I'm going it alone. Again.

There, I said it! And although at this very moment my mother does not understand why she just had a sharp blinding pain go through her head and the urge to move hundreds of miles away from me, I'm sure she'll feel it again when I announce: "Hey everyone, I'm having another baby and I'm STILL not married!"

PS - I should probably add here that I will not be going the *SBM route but more the **SDB route. I don't want my mom's head to totally explode.

* - Sex Before Marriage
** - Sperm Donor Bank (Eww, I know! But do you have any other suggestions?)