May 8, 2006

Here it comes...

another week... It's here and I feel like I didn't even get a weekend.

I'm not sure what's going on, but I had a not-so-good weekend. It's been a rough 3 yrs and sometimes everything we've been through creeps up on me and really gets me down. Saturday was horrible. So much so that I thought a few times about just getting in my car and leaving. I cried off and on all day. I just couldn't shake the overwhelming depression that came over me. And the weirdest part was I had no idea why. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. As a matter of fact, the previous week held little stress. Friday night was great but Saturday morning came and it was like something just took over. I couldn't find any good in anything. I knew it would pass and thankfully it did, but it was weird. It scares me to have to go back to that place again. I even told a friend of mine that I didn't understand why, after growing up in a preacher's home and in church all my life, did I feel like I would never make it to heaven, I would never be a good enough Christian, and I would never be good enough period. I wondered what it was that I had done in my life that made it so I would never be a good enough person to feel that I was truly good enough in God's eyes.

I wish I could tell you I went to church yesterday and had a wonderful worshipping experience and that my eyes were opened to the fact that I was good enough, but I didn't.
I wish I could tell you that I read scripture and a light popped on in my head, but I didn't.
I did pray, what little I could. It was more like "WHY, God?" Not an outpouring of thoughts or a true "prayer".
What I did find in that low moment was that, that was really all I had to do. Just ask "why"... just reach out. I know that even though I wasn't able to clearly express myself to God, He was still there. I was only able to cry out my "WHY?" and He heard me.

I feel better today... I truly have too much to be thankful for to walk around feeling sorry for myself!!